What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 04:36
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I don,t even have a pension.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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But, we were locked up after school.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
After 70 years of the crappiest computers ever made, why does IBM exist?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So whats the point in blame.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Who is the most annoying character in the Office?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Are narcissists happy people generally?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Comes on , in middle age.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I have no regrets .
I will be 64.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Ive learnt so much.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She wouldn,t have been !
My family never makes their pension either.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is soul school!.
I waited trembling.
I was 9 years of age.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Put me off passion for life!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And i lived it daily.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Who then, do I blame.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She loved him until the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I think the readers, may guess!
She married twice! .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it wasn’t much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My life is so biszare .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was scared of men, in general
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I never cut or harmed myself..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was seconnd youngest,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
All the time i was locked up.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One cannot live in the past .
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im still living with it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When she asked me how she looked .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were not on the streets..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I write beautiful poetry .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It was going to be , some day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Would this be the day?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He knew the spot.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So, i spoilt her more .
I was very sick at this time too.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was in good health!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!